This is another story of a guy and Google. Well, not the company. Well, more like a dream that said guy had about said company. The dream is a play, and the guy’s not a playwright, so try and enjoy it. :) Wait, this summary seems familiar.
Bryan: So I saw this next piece of domination software that Google released yesterday. “Pack of bovine with mad cow disease” I think it’s called.
* In comes Paul Stamatiou. Since he was the first guy to comment on the last play, he’s been cast in this one. The following lines aren’t by him and probably contains things he’d never say.
Paul: Pack of rabid mice is more like it. Look at the website.
* Paul then hands Bryan a sheet of paper.
Bryan: Look at this. Essential, Simple, Customizable and Up to Date. Up to date my ass, it doesn’t even work for Mac. I’m going to have to go ask them about this.
* So for the first time since November, Bryan takes a trip to the Google campus. Upon arriving, he sees Google playing beach volleyball. Bryan, not feeling very Google at the moment, runs to the other side of the net and spikes an incoming ball into the Google’s face. Bryan then walks up to the battered Google.
Bryan: Look Google, we really got to talk about this Pack thing you guys released. Google: (as he’s getting up) What, you don’t like it? Bryan: Well, I don’t have Windows.
* Google then takes the Gates stick and clubs Bryan with it.
Google: Bitch. Bryan: Christ, what was that for? I put you guys as my home page, and this is the thanks I get? I don’t even use the dictionary anymore, I just type the words in the box - and this is what I get? Come on, give me a Mac version and I’ll try it out for christ’s sake. Google: Sorry. I don’t know what came over me. (as he gives the stick back to one of Gates’ elite guard ninja things, who quickly runs away) Well, I do have something here for you.
* Google pulls a rat out of his pocket and gives it to Bryan.
Google: Throw this on your Mac, I’m sure that’ll work for you.
* Then Google also gives Bryan another little item.
Bryan: Google Updater eh? Isn’t this included with the other thing you gave me? Google: Trust me, it’ll help your computer out.
* So, “clubbed in the face” Bryan leaves “spiked ball in the face” Google alone and goes back to his house. Once again, as with any new Google product, his cats hiss at him as he walks through the door. He wiggles the Google rat in front of their faces to scare them away and proceeds to go to his computer. He installs both programs and then runs the updater.
Bryan: Okay… Google Updater: “Installing normal programs. Please wait.” Bryan: Oh, this isn’t so bad. Google Updater: “Now installing the first potent virus for your piece of shit”, “Hahah, you can’t stop us from ruling the world.”, “We now have full control of your computer.”, “Proceeding to download midget porn so your fiance will dump you.”, “You remember your car? Yeah, we control that too. Bryan: What the fuck is going on!?
* Bryan presses the off button in panic and then cuts power to it, but the messages are still on the screen.
Google Updater: Take that bitch.
* Bryan then says goodbye as he throws his computer out the window, only to notice that he sees a massacre outside his window, as angry wives are throwing the computers at their husbands for apparently downloading midget porn.
Bryan: So this is what they wanted to do. GOOOOOOOOOGLE!
* Bryan then gets spotted by one of Google Earth’s satellites, and then zapped by the Google Ray Beta. Nobody ever sees or hears from him again.
Moral of the story: Go to sleep before 4:00AM in the morning, and never let Google have any control of your computer if you don’t want to be zapped by their beta ray. Thank you and good night.
